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Stephanie

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the future [Feb. 17th, 2012|10:36 pm]
Stephanie
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I feel like God is calling me to something..... Lately I've had a genuine tugging at my heart for something more... Not the manic "I don't know what to do" calling... but the "just come to the alter." You know that verse... "come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." I feel my life has reached that point.... but it's more than that... I am not just in a run down, empty state..... I feel there is something more.... Like, I have to go there, because that is where I belong... That is what will bring me happiness.... That is where I am suppose to be...... I have the ministry in the back of my mind but another part is just saying, "stop thinking, and just go to him...."  I am not the person I am... I feel I tred much more lightly then I did.... to be a minister and talk about God's plan for people's lives...... I feel I struggle to do anything like that... but I feel going into the ministry is still in my heart in some way..... I always wanted to be a part of the worship team at church.....
            I feel torn.... My beliefs are Orthodox.. The Eucharist trumps anything.... but I loved being protestant... the music, the atmosphere, actually walking with God and having peers that did too....
                   I think I want to go back to multnomah and finish....I want my degree.... but even more than that, I got a lot out of it.....I think I want to go back but I feel confused about where I am suppose to be... May be I need to pray more about it, and I do need the worship again. It really was a big part of my life and I miss it... May be I just need to stop analyzing everything and just "come as I am."
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Letting go [Jul. 29th, 2011|11:05 pm]
Stephanie
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I don't know how I could do it.... to have a child... a baby that I could hold... and then watch them grow up and leave... and let them go.... I don't know how I could do that.. may be it's not the nightly feedings, or time, or lack of sleep, or the thought of screwing up that is what is so scary about having a baby.... May be it's knowing for the best health of your child you will have to let go.. .to fully understand that baby is not yours, it's God's, and it's on loan to you..... I wonder if I could let go....
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quote of the day [Jun. 21st, 2010|10:53 am]
Stephanie
Better to be hated for your success than loved for being nice.
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The Endo diet [Oct. 21st, 2009|11:25 am]
Stephanie
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

                      I have gone my first day without wheat.. Yay me! The next step is going to be getting rid of coffee... Yes, I said it no coffee! I have cut back so much I feel a tad bitchy... I don't know how I'll cut it out completely. I must replace it with something that is caffiene free but will keep me alert... I need to look up stuff.. Anything to keep this horrible cancer from growing!
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RIP Brooke [Sep. 21st, 2009|04:04 pm]
Stephanie
[mood |melancholymelancholy]

They finally found her remains....It's so so  sad.....  May she rest in peace....



http://news.aol.com/article/brooke-wilbergers-remains-found-5-years/679777
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Friends and fun!/Candi's in town [Aug. 26th, 2009|01:41 pm]
Stephanie
[mood |happyhappy]

                Candi was in town last night so her, Ashley, Jesse and my self hung out at my place and then we went out to eat down town. (don't remember the name of the place) It was really fun, had some awesone pasta. I haven't had pasta in forever.
                         I really can't say anything really specific that made the night awesome.. but you know that feeling where you're just glad to have people around you love? I think that's what it was. Getting hugs is also great. :)
                      I got to say, I can't wait to do it again... I'm hoping around Thansgiving or Halloween, may be xmas. :) Ahh, the holidays. :)
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cramps from hell [Jun. 14th, 2009|09:43 am]
Stephanie
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]

               I suddenly have cramps... it really stinks... :*( I hate endp...
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Sick with the Flu and jobless [May. 20th, 2009|04:02 pm]
Stephanie
[mood |sicksick]

                  The title says it all. I'm sick with the flu and i'm sitting here filling out resumes. I spent several hours on one Resume in particular.. It's for a preschool and it would be the typical 9 to 5. It pays well.. It's also only two miles from my home.. I really want this job..
             Any way, I feel really sick.. I can't wait to get better.
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What'll I do.... [Nov. 9th, 2007|04:19 pm]
Stephanie
[mood |depressedheart sick]

          My friend is on his discernment retreat.. I'm listening to "What'll I do" and inside I have mixed feelings....  I want Joshua so badly….. yet I fear that he will never love me….. This song makes me want to weep but I can’t…. I’m so used to the worst…. So used to seeing that glimmer of hope and then having it stolen away from me…. It makes my soul ache…..

          Joshua is so perfect…. Too wonderful for me…. How could he love me? And would God take him away from me after it seems like he gave him to me?..... I feel my heart may burst…. That I may die of heart ache…… I fear that he will be a priests… he… the one that seems so right for me… May be it’s too good to be true…. That he will be a priest and I will never stop loving him…. or he will find a younger, prettier, girl….

          Oh Lord please… please…. Do not take him from me! Do not wave love in front of my face and steal it away!  Take anything else….. but please not this…. Please…… one million times I have begged like this with other things and one million times you took away my dreams…. This seems more right than anything! Please don’t take him….. please….. Please answer my prayer…..

                   I am so afraid you will not show compassion for our love...... and I fear may be he doesn’t love me….. I don’t know what to believe after so much heart ache….

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If God calls..... [Nov. 8th, 2007|07:55 pm]
Stephanie
[mood |sadheart sick]

            I've said on other blogs that tomorrow is habibti's (my beloved's) discernment retreat... I've been so concerned that I may lose my soul mate... I forgot.... I love him so much that if he was called to be a priest I couldn't even be his friend.... I realized this and almost wept because Joshua means a lot to me.... 
            Part of me wants to believe God wouldn't drag me through such heart ache.... but part of me knows.... My life as has been total hell... I've been through A LOT worst than this.... I love the Lord.......... but I question his mercy at times..... at least for me..... I shouldn't be so cold... i don't know what God is doing....
           I just hope I don't have to say good bye..... I just want to curl up into a tiny ball and cry thinking about saying goodbye to the boy who appears to be my soul mate... God couldn't do that to me... could he?.....
            I just don't want to say good bye to him... but I want God's will to be done!..... I love habibti....  so much..... This must be what it's like to really truly be heart sick.... it really hurts.......
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